My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
