it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're a waste of cheezeits
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
