you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I had to cum in my sink.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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