I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
FUCK WHALES
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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