Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You are the jesus of drinking
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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