Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
