maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
