I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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