I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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