He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
