he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
