I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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