Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
