Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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