im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The Olympian is in my bed
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
