Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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