I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
