I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
They took my balls.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
