I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I skipped work to stalk him.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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