Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
