I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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