i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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