he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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