Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
