I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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