The best revenge is premature balding
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
