Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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