Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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