I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
