just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
