I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
