I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
