Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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