The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The air was thick with penises
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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