Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
