You're so nebulous sometimes
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
