Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
