I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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