Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
