i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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