you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
