Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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