life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
