Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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