sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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