God gave him joint rollers for hands
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
