just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How external is "for external use only"?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
