There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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