Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
