Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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