Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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