Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday