He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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