Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
