I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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