My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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