Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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