When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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